to be 13 again.

time travel in time with travel.

i fucking hate growing up.

as it goes, i was 13 begging pleading hoping to get to 30.

i wanted responsibilities. i wanted to be listened to. i wanted to live on my own and make my decisions for myself. i wanted a closet full of clothes meticulously calculated for an alluring confidence. i wanted to be wherever i wanted, whenever i wanted with whoever i wanted. drinking, smoking and sleeping in until noon felt like the dream routine. and i wanted to do it all with someone who loved me. someone to hold my hand. to kiss me hello and kiss me harder goodbye.

i don’t want any of that shit anymore. fuck it. take it back. i am begging pleading hoping for someone to take me back.

my responsibilities don’t feel like my own. like i’m constantly in debt to others energy. i’m not listened to. from one drunk man to the next, the instability of the shoulders i’ve cried on is embarrassing. i live on my own yes, but the rooms i swore were decorated wholeheartedly inevitably feel cold and empty. and making a fucking decision. i don’t even know what to say on that. where to go? what to do? who to call? when to cry? i don’t want to wear clothes anymore for fear that the pride in front of my mirror will crash and burn once the outside light shines down on my fragile conviction. i don’t want to go anywhere. i don’t know when to leave. and i don’t know who i should surround myself with. drinking, smoking and drugs are fun, temporarily. leaving me feeling exponentially worse than whatever it was i was trying to forget. and waking up late in the day feels like a waste - almost as much as waking up early just to have more time to question my existence. finally, the love from others start to sting with uncertainty.

i want to be 13 again. maybe even younger. i’d prefer a different life than the one i had but i don’t think you can be choosey when it comes to time travel. i want back that sense of naivety of the world that makes anything feel possible. where a photo of a far away city felt like an inspiration rather than a never ending hill to climb. i want to dream again. i beg, i plead, i hope. i need to dream again.